Electronic Relationship Advisor Bulletin Board

[onelove777]

Hey guys - I've never done this posting thing before, so bear with me - and I'm afraid you're not going to think a whole lot of me after reading this. To cut to the chase, I want to try to win my wife and family back. (I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl, ages 2 & 4) - I fricked up really,really, horribly badly, and she wants a divorce. And I can't really say I blame her - but I've got to try...I've GOT to try - I've finally gotten my head on straight, and I am trying to do everything right, but she says it's too late, I've waited too long. I had an affair with a woman I met at church (I was the musical director there, she was an amazing singer) for 2 1/2 years - it was an incredibly passionate affair - some of the most intense emotions I've ever felt - sex on the pastor's desk before church, talks of eloping, talking on the phone for 5 hours at a time, sometimes 15 times a day, and beautiful love songs written to each other - amazing - fairy tale stuff ...it was also very ugly, with me getting fired from 2 churches (and another job) because of it, private investigators & cops, numerous face to face confrontations between myself and the 2 ladies, child custody court cases with my mistress' ex-husband involving my wife, a miscarried pregnancy with the other woman - very ugly ...I told many lies to both women during this time, and the whole thing was VERY uncharacteristic of my behavior. I am a christian and a good person with an honest, faithful, loyal heart. I never, ever dreamed that I was even capable of doing anything like this. When I told my wife about the affair (about 6 months into it - 2 years ago) she was pregnant with our second child, and of course devastated. I loved my wife deeply before the affair, and (believe it or not) all during the affair, and I love her deeply now. People used to always say that my wife and I acted like newlyweds whenever we were together (we were married 7 years when the affair started - it will be 9 years this coming Thursday). This other woman just had me completely mezmerised. I could not use my head. I absolutely lost my ever-loving mind! It was like she was heroin or something - I knew it was bad, but I just could'nt stop. We broke up many, many times, and I tried to go back with my family, but we always ended up coming back together. We were like two magnets that could not stop the attraction for each other. Anyway, she (the other woman) has found a new man now that has been divorced for 10 years, rich and drives a BMW, (I understand he's a playa...) so she has moved on. It has been completely devastating and heartbreaking, and I find myself desperately wanting to try to win her back, BUT it has also been very healing, and a quite a bit of a revelation. I am seeing lots of things I just couldn't see before. I am finally able to see that although she's an amazing lady, she's just a person, and she has many faults ...she's just not as charming as she was, as beautiful as she was, as witty, as smart, as sexy, as fun ...I can just see it a little differently now. She used to be the most incredible woman I had ever even imagined in my wildest fanasies, and now, I see a whole lot of qualites that i didn't see before. In fact she's very selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, kind of a "user" (of people, not substances!) and sometimes just plain mean. I can also see that I have been a horrible, terrible, unbelievably bad husband to my wife, a horribly bad father to my children, and a complete fool. I know I don't deserve her forgiveness, but I am going to try - I am going to spend the rest of my life tring to make it up to her, whether she divorces me or not. (I know I can never make it up really, but all I can do is try ...) She says I've waited too long, that it's too late, to just give up. BUT we COULD have been divorced 7 months ago, and she has said that she's waited, though she doesn't know why. I am holding on to this fact for hope, and praying that I can SHOW her that I am the good, responsible, loving man that she fell in love with and married, and to try to give me one more chance. She barely even talks to me when I go to pick up the kids, says it hurts too much, causes her pain. All the books I'm reading say not to push her, don't beg, don't grovel (though I kind of think maybe a little groveling may be in order in this case!?!), don't try to talk her out of the divorce - and to just try to make myself someone who is pleasant for her to be around again - to be a blessing to her again - to make myself someone that she is attracted to again ...so ...I am trying ...though I feel quite lost without a map, and very sad and alone. I feel like i had everything I could have ever dreamed of having in the whole world, and i threw it all away. -
Anyway, sorry I went on so long. If anyone has any advice on how I could save my marriage, or to just to find happiness, PLEASE share with me! I am trying to find my way again - I feel like I've been in a coma for 2 1/2 years, and I wake up and my life is in shambles! I am desperate!! Please help if you have anything wise (or even not-so-wise!) to say! God bless you.
M