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The New ERA • Perspectives • What's Your (date) Type?

What's Your (date) Type?

~ Cerissa ~

The other night I ran into my neighbor, Matt, a pretty nice guy who was bemoaning the problems of finding. . . shall we say. .. an appropriate woman. After chatting for a while, I asked if he'd tried the Internet. From the look that he gave me, one would have thought I'd just asked him if he'd tried serial murder as a hobby. "That's too weird for me," he replied. "I've tried to stay away from that. I mean, it's like phone sex, only stranger."

At the time, I just shrugged and told him that it was how I'd met my husband, and that we were rather pleased with the results. After visibly shying away, he seemed to come to the conclusion that I seemed normal enough anyway, or at least that I wasn't on the verge of performing any bizarre sexual acts with his pet poodle right there on the back deck. He resumed leaning against the railing and regaling me with his current relationship difficulties, and my mind began to wander in other directions; specifically, to the different types of relationships that people find on the Internet.

I went through all of these during different stages in my life, and think that each kind has its pros and cons. The important thing is that both people in the relationship are aware of, and in agreement about, what sort of relationship they have. I don't agree with Matt that they are any stranger than "in person" relationships. . . the similarities certainly outweigh the differences. They just require better typing skills.

The Internet as a Pick-Up Joint

In one way, Matt was right. Traditional cyber-sex (is there such a thing as traditional cyber-sex, or is that an oxymoron?) is pretty similar, and often leads to, phone sex. This is your basic chat room scene where guy meets girl, or guy meets guy-pretending-to-be-girl, or 50-year-old potbellied construction worker pretending to be Chippendale dancer meets 48-year-old telephone operator pretending to be stewardess, or. . .

OK, honesty is not a big thing in the chat rooms. I don't want to say that everybody lies there, but. . . well, hell, everybody lies there. People who claim that there is no truth to be found in "electronic relationships" probably have this sort of thing in mind. It starts when he asks her what she is wearing. My standard reply, back in the day, used to be, "What would you like me to be wearing?" That way, I was able to imply a willingness to play along while satisfying my conscience, which dictates "Though shall not claim to a satin merry widow while wearing torn sweats." Not many people show even that much restraint.

After the clothing, it is a rather simple matter for her to satisfy his obsession with a 48 inch bust line, and for him to satisfy her demand for a full head of wavy auburn hair. Ages, weights, hair colors and quantities, even marital status are constructed to suit the fantasy. Because that's what this sort of "cyber" is . . . fantasy. Reality simply doesn't matter. Who cares if my sheer negligee is really an old Rolling Stones T-shirt? He doesn't ever have to see it!! Who cares if, after hearing that he is 25, I knock ten years off my own age so as not to seem too old for him? I don't ever, ever, expect to hear from him again, let alone meet him.

This kind of (ahem) "creative fantasy weaving" is basically harmless, but it can turn into a problem if things do unexpectedly go farther. Did I ever tell you about my friend who ate nothing but lettuce for six months before flying out to meet a man? Seems she was too embarrassed to confess that, on that first meeting, she saw no harm in leading him to believe she weighed a petite 120 pounds. I had a similar experience with a man who'd claimed his wife was dead. . . well, maybe he'd wanted to kill her at the time.

To return to the old debate, discussed in another essay, I sort of doubt that you could classify this stuff as "cheating". I don't even think it can be properly called an electronic relationship, because it is not really a relationship! It is more like masturbation, using interactive pornography as an aid.

So, if you are looking for more than a superficial one night cyber stand, with maybe a little follow up phone action, I'd recommend steering clear. There are some folks there who are looking for the same thing you are, to be sure. . . but the odds are against you.

On the other hand, if you're a bored housewife or a travelling businessman looking for an evening's entertainment with no strings and no risk of disease, the chat rooms might be the place for you. They can be kind of fun, unless or until you get tired of the basic superficiality.

(author's note) Chat rooms can also be used to dramatically improve your typing speed. No, I'm serious!! Once you've got the basic key positions down, it's a lot better practice (not to mention being much more interesting) than the ol' Mavis Beacon drills.

The Internet as a Relationship Medium

When I talk about using the Internet as a relationship medium, I'm speaking of the electronic relationship in the truest sense of the term. What develops is a real relationship, and it is nurtured, long distance, through an electronic medium. Usually, but not always, people in these relationships have phone conversations at least occasionally. They may or may not participate in cyber- or phone-sex with each other. They might meet "in person" once, regularly, or not at all. These electronic relationships may last anywhere from a few weeks to a few years.

The point that makes these different from the chat thing discussed in the first part of this essay is that there is an emotional bond. You really can get to know someone rather well via letters. Better, some say, than you can in person. After all, when you are writing to someone, your entire attention is focused on what you are saying, and what they are saying in return. Compare this to the "traditional" date where both people sit and stare at a movie screen for several hours.

Moreover, the emotional bond that develops is very real. You can feel closer with someone to whom you are writing on a daily basis than you feel to someone with whom you are living. (Which, of course, is why I do see this sort of relationship as "cheating.") I've never been quite sure exactly what it is you fall in love with, the other person or the very notion of being in love, but I'm not sure that it matters, either. I've known people who lived a mile from each other who seemed more enthralled with the idea of "having someone" than they were with the one who they had. Why should Internet relations be any different? Internet relationships give you the same highs as other relationships when all is going well, and the same lows when everything is over.

On the other hand, a person can consider what to write in a letter for a long while before sending it. You will almost surely get a one sided view of the person you are writing to. Of course, that view is his or her own. Not many people are self-aware enough to see themselves as the rest of the world sees them, so, while being perfectly honest in their own eyes, they can be telling you of qualities in themselves that their best friends might find laughable.

It is also very easy to project your own "perfect mate" qualities into that person, with actual contact being too limited for reality to contradict those perceptions. Or, to find the most hated trait of an ex, and be absolutely certain that the "cyber-lover" would never this. A woman might, for instance, say of her cyber-friend "He listens to everything I say, and never interrupts." Well sure!!! She spends 2 and a half hours typing, with the feeling that he is "listening." In fact, for all she knows, he could be skimming the letters for 90 seconds!

Likewise, there is no way of knowing if this person belches at the table, habitually swears, puts the lid back on the toothpaste tube, leaves shedded hair all over the bathroom, insists that all cans in the cupboards face forward, likes to wash dishes every day vs. once a week, has smelly sneakers, has bad breath. . . Meeting him/her can tell you some of these things, but a person is likely to be (and be able to maintain) their "best behavior" for a weekend.

None of these flaws really matter in a relationship that is truly electronic. As with the example of describing one's apparel in the chat rooms, you don't have to see the other person's faults. So, they are irrelevant, at least, unless the people involved decide to turn the relationship into something other than an electronic one.

This explains why so many electronic relationships don't make it past the first meeting. He has hairy ears; she snores; the chemistry just isn't there; so many things can shatter the fragile illusions that we've developed over email. I don't see this as a reason for avoiding electronic relationships, so long as you resist the temptation to ignore the realities of the first meeting in favor of the impressions that you've already created. If you do that, you are practically begging for eventual heartache.

This sort of relationship can be ideal for college students, recently divorced people, and anyone else who wants the joys of attachment without any accompanying permanent commitment. You can get the affection, the company, and the thrills of a relationship without the negatives of having someone hanging around all the time. And it's fun! Just so long as you don't forget those "flaws that don't really matter," and don't take it too seriously.

The Internet as a Dating Service

Some people are looking for someone with whom to spend time. You know, in person. Touching. That sort of thing. They might be looking at a lifelong partner or they might be looking at a drinking buddy, but they are tired of only looking at a computer screen! These people use the Internet as a means to get to an end, the ultimate in computer dating services.

These relationships are electronic in a limited sense. You use the Internet to "e-meet" initially and see if there is any chance of being compatible. From there, you move on to getting together, and perhaps planning a joint future. How long this all takes depends a lot on the people involved.

Needless to say, given my history, I'm a big fan of this. If you don't like hanging out at bars, or the type of people you meet there; if you are totally sick of your sister inviting you over to meet the "perfect guy"; if you are just too shy to walk up to someone in a supermarket and strike up a conversation; using the Internet as a dating service could be the perfect alternative for you, as it was for me. The selection is great, and you have the "safety factor" of being able to "screen" prospective dates before meeting them face to face.

One thing to remember is to meet early and meet often. Don't invest too much time and energy until you know that there is at least some basic chemistry. Remember all those things that I said didn't matter in the "true" electronic relationship? They matter a lot in person! And, if you write for too long before meeting, you might be tempted to ignore the realities in favor of the erroneous impressions you've built up. Try to spend extended periods of time together as well as just weekends. Be sure to become acquainted with each other's personal space, family, and friends, just as you would if you lived in the same town.

Don't overlook distance. If you live in San Francisco and she lives in Miami, you'd best consider the practical matters right from the very start. Unless you happen to have a private plane, unlimited funds, and as much time off work as you like, it is going to be awfully tough to get together enough to know if you want to live together. And, once you do manage to arrive at that decision, someone is going to have to leave home, job, and friends, and move.

This is not to say that it can't work. It can and does. A couple we know met via a BBS (bulletin board service) when he lived in New York and she in California. They now live in the same house, and have been happily married for about ten years. That's another story, that with any luck I'll convince her to write up for me.

Meanwhile, enjoy the hunt. It can be a big adventure, and a lot of fun if you don't take yourself too seriously. Drop us a line and let us know of your success stories.