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The New ERA • Perspectives • How to Get Rid of a Woman (without really trying)

How to Get Rid of a Woman (without really trying)

~ Cerissa ~

You’ve heard of 50 ways to leave your lover? Well, here, in no particular order, are 25 ways to make your lover leave you. Incidentally, these have all happened, either to me or to people I know.

1. Try to impress me by showing me your argyle socks and golf trophies.
2. Try to impress me by showing me the flashy sports car you drive.
3. Invite me out to dinner and then pull out a calculator to divide the check equitably.
4. Invite me out to dinner, order something more expensive than I have, and then tell me that it is fair to divide both the check and tip in equal halves.
5. Spend the entire evening telling me about your brother’s fantastic condo on the beach, the amount of money he spends throwing parties at aforementioned condo, the number of Porches he has owned . . .
6. After I’ve told you that I am trying to get a vest for my mother done in time for Christmas, push your way into my apartment anyway and spend several hours staring at me as I crochet. To do this really well, you must stare from a distance of three feet.
7. Take me home to meet your parents on the first date.
8. Leave notes on the windshield of my car that have little hearts dotting the i’s.
9. On our first date, tell me that you can’t wait until your ex-wife finds out that you’re dating "someone like me."
10. Tell me over dinner on our first date that your first wife has slapped a restraining order on you, even though you haven’t done anything violent for at least six months.
11. Tell me in advance, when I am visiting your city, that I really don’t need a reservation to get a hotel room the same day. Then leave me to find aforementioned room myself, using a taxi for transportation.
12. It’s Valentine’s Day. Make me walk a half mile in below zero temperatures so that I can come with you while you buy the chocolates that you haven’t had a chance to get out and get in advance. Go into a silent sulk when I tell you that I don’t want any chocolates.
13. Tell me that you hate condoms and won’t use them.
14. Tell me that your ex-wife was into group sex scenes. Then tell me that you hate condoms and won’t use them.
15. Tell me that you hate condoms and won’t use them because they have a tendency to just fall off.
16. Tell me you wouldn’t mind wearing condoms if they only came in "extra large."
17. In a public place, fall to your knees and throw your arms around my legs, pronouncing that you love women who wear boots.
18. Ask me to marry you before we have ever met. Be sure to sound serious.
19. Swear at me.
20. Leave me in the middle of a strange city with no money or ID.
21. Check the messages on my answering machine.
22. Have your children check the messages on my answering machine.
23. Without bothering to check my religious preferences in advance, give me a gold cross for Christmas.
24. Wait until we have dated for a while and slept together. As we lie together afterwards, tell me that you are "really not romantically attracted" to me.
25. Show up for a first date wearing a wedding ring. Say that you "can’t believe" you didn’t mention your wife.