| What It Really Means |
| Term |
In Her Ad . . . |
In His Ad . . . |
| 40-ish |
49. |
49, and looking
for a 19 year-old girl. |
| Adventurish |
Bed partners
number in the middle three figures. |
You'll never
see him during Bambi-shooting season. |
| Artistic |
Has eight
tattoos, and double that in body piercings. |
Usually wears a
goatee, beret, and glassy stare. |
| Athletic |
Out-weighs you,
and finds a training bra way too large (see Natural). |
Chest size is
at least double his IQ. |
| Average-Looking |
Ugly. |
Ditto. |
| Commitment-Minded |
She's four
months pregnant, and her father has a shotgun. |
It's much
easier to have a legally guaranteed sexual partner. |
| Emotionally
Secure |
Just don't run
out of Prozac. |
Cold and
distant |
| Enjoys
Cuddling |
Forget about
sex. Permanently. |
Will kiss you
once afterward, before rolling over and starting to snore. |
| Enjoys
Fine Dining |
If he pays. |
If she cooks. |
| Enjoys
Moonlit Walks On The Beach |
Lives in North
Dakota, and looking for a paid Bahamas vacation. |
Hope that you
don't mind sand in your underwear, amongst other places. |
| Family
Oriented |
Has six kids,
with at least one more on the way. |
Has slept with
both his sister and yours. |
| Financially
Secure |
Referring
to Herself: Got everything in the last three divorces. Referring to Him:
Must have two American Express Platinum Cards (in case she wears the first one out). |
Referring
to Himself: The insurance company paid off, all three times. Referring to
Her: "Of course she should support my habits!" |
| Generous |
"I'm
expected to work? Yeah, right!" |
Will spring for
dinner once, but you'd better put out afterward. |
| High
Moral Standards |
Won't put out
until after the ceremony. |
Looking for
June Cleaver. |
| Honest |
Feels morally
compelled to tell you about all her affairs -- past and present -- including how much
better the other guys were. |
Doesn't usually
get caught. |
| Huggable |
Enormous (see
Rubenesque). |
Enormous, with
a hairy back. |
| Light
Drinker |
Bud Light;
twelve at a sitting. |
Ditto. |
| Long
Legs |
Dumpy torso. |
N/A |
| Mature |
Post-menopause. |
Just moved out
of parents' house last weekend, and feeling his oats. |
| Muscular |
N/A |
Can possibly
overpower a 110 pound woman. |
| Natural |
Doesn't shave
legs, but will consider wearing sheer pantyhose over three inches of hair growth. |
Hasn't bathed
in at least two months. |
| Non-Traditional |
Still married
(at least once), and planning to stay that way. |
Expect
additional females (and possibly males and animals) to be sharing the bed. |
| Nurtures
My Inner Child |
Continuously
throwing tantrums. |
Enjoys
breast-feeding. |
| Outgoing |
Won't ever stop
yapping, even while eating and sleeping. |
Flirts with any
and every female in sight. |
| Professional |
Topless dancer
and/or hooker. Alternate: Cold-hearted career bitch. |
Owns a suit
and/or tie. |
| Rubenesque |
Fat, with
breasts that long ago lost the battle with gravity (see huggable). |
N/A |
| Sexy |
Will constantly
flirt with your co-workers, UPS drivers, winos, etc. |
Will spend more
time looking in the mirror than at you. |
| Southern
Belle |
Has had sex
with her father (at least, who she thinks is her father) and all six brothers. |
N/A |
| Weight
Proportionate To Height |
Completely
true, were she 7'9". |
Ditto. |
